Friday, May 06, 2005

The Heroic Piss

I'm up a little later than I should be right now, so I'll be brief.

Today was pretty much your average day on the course: I split 3 bags with another caddie for 18 holes, and I was requested again by one of the members. So that was really cool.

Then I left around 2:30 or so to meet up with a friend to play golf. There's a course not to far from where I'm staying that offers a discount for caddies. It's only $20 for unlimited golf with a cart.

So I got that goin' for me, which is nice. I decided to take advantage of it today.

I couldn't get off of the bogey train and shot an 85, which included all of one double and one birdie. Talk about an uneventful round. But at least I got to play with an old friend. He's a riot. He's got a master's degree in physics and he's going back this fall for law school. Whatever he ends up doing someday, I'm sure it's going to be closely related to making a crapload of money. But it's funny to play golf with him because there is no laying up. There are no "smooth swings."

We play "Man Golf."

The rules are simple: Never lay up. If you're going to need to play a low hook around some trees to keep it under some branches and run it up onto the green, then you better hood that 5 iron and grab some sack. Because it's all about gutsy plays on days like today.

Sometimes you'll be faced with a shot and you feel like backing down and hitting the easy pitch into the fairway. If you do that, that's fine, but the other player can call you "Sally" for the rest of the hole. And if the other player attempts the shot that you didn't have the balls to play and succeeds, you owe that player a pitcher of beer. It's clear and simple. Trash talking is encouraged, as is excessive gambling and psychological warfare.

My driver was on crack today so I ended up in a lot of "gutsy" situations, half of which worked out. Hence the resulting score.

So we finish 18, and proceed to continue the trash talking over a putting contest.

After a few games had been played, we both notice some smoke billowing up from around the side of the clubhouse. I think we both just assumed that somebody was barbecuing over there and so we continued putting for a minute. But after realizing that there weren't really any players left to barbecue for, we decided to investigate.

So we walked over to find that a section of wood under the deck had caught fire.

It was sort of a surreal moment. I've never seen an unintentional fire before. But we both immediately sprung into action, with my friend telling me to watch the fire while he ran around to go get some water.

Watch the fire? Well, okay. Maybe I WILL do that for a second, since it isn't that big yet. It was only about the size of two footballs stuck together (vertically) at this point. Although, I suddenly became a little paranoid that that little fire could easily turn into a big problem, what with all of the horror stories I had heard about how quickly a fire can consume a house.

So I did just about the only thing I could: I peed on it. The fire went out just as I ran out of ammo, and my friend came around a few minutes later.

"Dude, what happened?"

"I just peed on it."

"Oh. Well I guess that works too."

Soon two of the cart-washing boys came over with canisters of water ready to fight the blaze. They started laughing when they heard what had happened, and they proceeded to put out the remaining embers.

The weirdest part was that none of us could figure out how the fire was started. There really wasn't any evidence lying on the ground for us to analyze. I suppose any possible evidence might have gotten trashed with the pee/water combo that submerged a good portion of the area below the blaze.

So we all just assumed somebody had tossed aside a cigarette butt somewhere along the base of the deck. Not a bad theory, what with all of the dry mulch around this section of the clubhouse and the wind that came through there today. Definitely a possibility.

The manager confronted us before we left, and said he wanted to do something "special" for us for our heroics. Free golf for a little while perhaps? Well, either that or a lawsuit. My friend said that he may sue us for damages. Man I hope that doesn't happen. I mean maybe I didn't HAVE to piss on it, but I was just doing what I thought I should, ya know? What do you guys think?

Anyway, I really need to go to sleep. Take care guys.


Jeff said...

Maybe you should have saved the piss for the manager.

Bryan said...

Sued? What damange did you or your buddy cause? you tried to PUT OUT a blaze, not start one.


Jam Boy said...

Not sure why they might sue us...I guess he was just trying to stay realistic or something. Turns out the manager called and offered each of us a free round with a cart. But that offer expires at the end of this week. Cheap bastard.

Jam Boy said...

And when I refer to "he" being realistic...I'm talking about my buddy. Just in case there was any confusion.