Saturday, June 25, 2005

What A Bitchin' Day

To avoid giving any of the other caddies’ a seizure, I decided to come in at the regular time today. I was there at 7 am. I was the third caddie to sign up, and it looked like it was going to be a busy day so I didn’t think I’d have to wait around very long for an assignment.

So I sat down and fell asleep.

Well, to be honest, I suppose I really didn’t fall asleep per se, it was more like “dozing off” for a couple of hours. My head kept falling forward, or to the side, or whatever. After a while, a senior caddie punched my leg. Not really sure what that accomplished. But now I was awake.

I looked at the clock. 10:07 am.

What the hell? I’ve been here for three hours already and the boss hasn’t even said a WORD to me. Well, I mean he COULD’VE said something to me. It IS possible I missed something because I was kind of “unconscious” for the last few hours.

And don’t get me wrong, I’ve got nothing against sitting. I always like waiting around because I know I’m going to get work at some point and the dialogue in the caddie room is always PRICELESS. Well, maybe not priceless. If I had some Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups maybe THEN it would be priceless. Yeah. That would be sweet.

Then I started to wonder if my sleeping had angered the boss at all. Maybe that was why I hadn’t been assigned a loop yet. Crap. I mean, I don’t think sleeping in the caddie room had “irritated” him at all thus far. But you never know. He has been known to get a little “moody” at times. Perhaps sleeping in the caddie room was one of his “buttons” today.

By now other caddies were coming in for their afternoon loops. Before they signed their names on the board, they would all stop and stare at me. It was always the same look: Were you late AGAIN Tom?

And then they would look at the standby board, look at me, and then turn back to the board. Something was fishy. Wait a minute. You’ve been here since 7 am and you HAVEN’T been out yet?

Yeah, that’s right.

“Is the boss mad at you or something Tom?”

I just stared off into space and shrugged my shoulders. Well I HOPE not. But your guess is as good as mine buddy. But you know, while I’m waiting, why not confirm my crossword puzzle handicap and see if I can fill in ANY of these blanks today.

And surprisingly, I started filling in a few. “Farce.” That’s a good one. “Foil.” Heh. Alright. A fencing reference. High School gym class is coming through in the clutch today. “Lauer.” Yeah. Katie Couric’s buddy.

I was on a ROLL man. If I could just knock down a few more words it would be a personal BEST. And then I see the boss walking over towards me.

Whoa boy. Here it comes. Whatever “it” is.

“Hey, Tom?”


His voice was pretty quiet, which took me off guard because normally he’s anything BUT quiet.

“Would you be interested in training as a Caddie Master on Tuesday’s?”

I think my cerebellum just fused.

“Yeah. That would be…bitchin’.”

“Yeah, you know, we’ll start to get a feel for what the future holds for you at this company.”

“Thank you so much.”

“Cool. I’ll call you Monday night.”

And that was it. That was the most meaningful 30-second conversation I’ve ever had. Wow. I really don’t know what to say to that right now. I’m sure it will sink in later and I’ll flip out in some later post, but for now, I guess I just wanted to let you guys know. So next Tuesday I will be traveling to that new account my boss just opened and do “something.” I’m not really sure what yet. I’m sure the boss will fill me in when he calls me. Wait: He’s CALLING me now? That’s so cool man. I never thought I’d get a call from that guy. I’m guessing I’ll be shadowing as a Starter/Caddie Master to see what it’s all about. But I do know one thing: my boss’s company is BOOMING. He’s got 3 or 4 new courses in the works, meaning that he’ll potentially need 3-4 new Caddie Master’s to run his accounts at these PHENOMENAL courses within the next year. But you know what? I’m going to stop now, because I need to be realistic. I mean hey, I could absolutely HATE being a Caddie Master and might decide to just stick with caddying for a while. Maybe I’ll do both. Or, I could completely SUCK at being a Caddie Master. There’s always that. Who knows. But that’s great news. Beauty, eh?

And THEN he puts me out on a loop. So I guess that answers my FIRST question. No, the boss is NOT mad at me. He’s DEFINITELY not mad at me. And once I jumpstart some of the synapses in my brain, I’ll tell my freakin’ body to get out on the tee. I’m forecaddying for a foursome today. But wait. One last question.

“Who am I caddying for boss?”

“See that heavy-set man in the circle? Yep. Have fun buddy.”


“Bitchin’?” Am I like STUCK with that word now? Has it embedded itself in my brain tissue? Can I stop it?

I didn’t care. At that point, the good news from a few minutes ago was starting to sink in and I was getting a little hyper. I didn’t CARE who I’d be caddying for today. WHOEVER it was, I could probably CARRY them for 18 holes. I was so excited. No energy drinks required. I could’ve peed in a freakin’ cup and sold shots of it as ESPRESSO I was so pumped. Oh adrenaline. How I have missed thee.

And I didn’t waste any time. On the first green, I delivered my ultimatum.

“So Tom, how well do you know these greens?”

Better than a chimpanzee knows how to throw FECAL MATTER! Yeah, that’s right. Bring it bitches.

And they were all pretty horrible golfers. But they kept the pace of play up and they were all in good moods the whole way around. It was great.

And after 14 or 15 holes, it really didn’t matter WHAT I screwed up. I don’t even think it would’ve mattered if I told them to beat themselves with slices of PIZZA. I was on FIRE today. My advice was just this big aggregate AVALANCHE of invaluable stroke saving tips and key reads on the greens. I couldn’t be stopped. I WOULDN'T be stopped. For some reason, the greens made sense to me today. I read them like books. Complicated books. We're talking 4th grade reading level here. Oh yeah baby. The players’ would ask me for a read, I’d fly over and take a cool Spider-Man pose low to the ground, read their putt, and if they hit it on my line, they made it. I don’t know what came over me. Normally CAVITY SEARCHES are more pleasant than my advice around the greens.

And it wasn’t just on the greens. The players’ started asking me about club selections, shot-making tips, you name it.

And MAN did I hustle. As I mentioned before, they weren’t the best of golfers so I was occasionally fishing balls out of some overlooked river in TIBET. So I felt pretty beat the whole way around. Which was a good sign.

And by the end of the round, the member said that he wanted me to join him every time he came out to play.

“Anytime we’re playing and you’re available, please feel free to join us. We’d love to have you again. We normally go out Tuesday mornings and Wednesday afternoons.”

I’m sorry. Did you say Tuesday's? CRAP.

So maybe caddying for this guy again WON’T be as feasible as I had originally thought. But you bet your ass I’ll be seeing you on Wednesday afternoons. Sir.

What a great day. DAMN I LOVE THIS JOB.


dave said...

I now have gone back and read some of your archived posts. I will soon go through all of them don’t want to miss anything. As you can tell I find them really enjoyable, entertaining and enlightening. I hope when you get the new position you still have time to post.

Jam Boy said...

I'll make sure I do. Thanks so much for reading. For right now I'm only "training" one day a week, so if anything, for the next month or so I should have even MORE to talk about. Take it easy man.

Jerry said...

Great to hear the job is going so well. Keep up the great work and don't stop posting.

Allen said...

dude...your blog is awesome and I cant get enough of it. This thing could seriously evolve into a book. Now post something so I can read. Im gettin the shakes.



Ron Mon said...

Quote of the year: "Better than a chimpanzee knows how to throw FECAL MATTER!"

Hemingway, Rand, Dostoyevsky, Shakespeare, Cervantes, and the list goes on. To my wit, no one has ever united these words in the English language. You know, those chimps can really hurl the fecal material. Word up, JB!

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