The Lawyer Loop

I think hatred of lawyers is an almost universal emotion. I feel—along with various reflex tests doctors are required to perform on newborns—that the individual who spanks you when you arrive in this world is not a fellow doctor or nurse, but a lawyer.

That’s the only way I can make sense of my feelings towards lawyers. Maybe it’s the stereotypical pompous know-it-all attitude or maybe I’ve just seen too many movies where lawyers are depicted incorrectly and my views towards them are skewed in one way or another. Whatever the reason, I’m not a fan of the J.D. distinction.

But today was different. Today’s loop gave me a whole new perspective on lawyers.

“You know what the sad part is, Tom? I have to turn to a client after they’ve just received a life-sentence… and try and convince them it was a victory.”

I was floored when I heard that. Representing a client with high stakes like those has got to be just about the most stressful job you could possibly have. Besides maybe an air-traffic controller or a zookeeper responsible for massaging constipated elephants’ rectums.

No wonder this guy drank so much. Today was a one-day member-guest and this lawyer and his partner must’ve had 12-16 beers apiece WHILE PLAYING. And the guest was 4-under on his own ball through 16 holes. I couldn’t believe that. If I have more than 2 beers on the golf course my handicap goes through the roof.

But then I had to wonder. If these guys are so good at golf even when they’re completely TOASTED, how much time are they really spending in the courtrooms? Maybe that’s an unfair thing to say. But I tell you, if I was on trial for RECKLESS DRIVING, my lawyer had better be fucking HORRIBLE at golf. I want him so dedicated to his career that he has willingly chosen to forgo any and all lessons offered to him on the golf course. I can’t imagine how anal a client might be if they were on trial for murder.

Just a random interlude, but I thought of this great “Progressive” commercial spin-off today.

Instead of the commercial starting out with: “Every day Progressive does something that’s…well…Progressive.”

(Cue cool guitarish-techno music)

Instead I want the commercial to start out with: “Every day Progressive does something that’s…well…Counter-intuitive.”

(Cue cool guitarish-techno music)

Sorry. But I thought that was freakin’ hilarious when that hit me. I’ve just seen that commercial so many times that I feel it has completely lost its appeal. They need to update it.

And the other caddie in my group HATED these lawyers. Maybe it was because they critiqued a piece of his outfit on each green.

“Joe, what’s with the sunglasses? Can you even see the ball out there?”

“I can see just fine sir.”

“Why is your collar popped up? Are you hoping some modeling agent will discover you or something?”

“You’re not a caddie till you pop the collar.”

“Well Tom isn’t popping his collar.”

Pause.

“I don’t know how to answer that sir.”

And when they weren’t drinking, hitting amazing shots or pissing every 5 minutes, they liked to be crude. It was like a test to see how much of a MAN I was. I mean, the fact that I drink “Full Throttle” should’ve been proof enough of my massive gonads. But I guess sometimes people need to see it to believe it. To be honest, that’s half the fun of being in the service industry around important people. You get to see their dirty side.

“Hey Tom, is there any pussy down at JMU?”

No hesitation. That’s the only way to handle a question such as this. “Yes.”

“Good pussy?”

“Yes.”

“You know, Tom… my daughter is going there now. Watch what you say.”

Oh yeah. Great mouth on that daughter of yours, sir.

“Well lucky me.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I’ve already graduated. I’m in the clear.”

“Touche. You DO have massive gonads.”

By the 12th hole, they almost appeared to be peeing continuously. The guest at one point unzipped his fly and started walking off the fairway towards the woods WHILE PEEING. By the time he got to the woods to pee, he had already finished. The weird thing was, I’ve seen this sort of thing happen here several times before. I guess the private clubs are where it is AT my friend. Just whip it out…ANYWHERE…and pee till your little heart’s content.

One of the halfway-house girls came over to us on 13 because apparently one of my players ordered some cigars for delivery. The guest then proceeded to spend 5-10 minutes hitting on this girl while everyone was waiting for him to play his next shot. It was almost embarrassing. At least in a crowded bar nobody can hear what you’re saying to a potential target. But we’re on the golf course. A slight gust of wind, a bird chirping—complete silence.

“You’re fuckin’ cute! How old are you cause I think you’re cute! Did you bring these cigars just for me? What do I have to give you in return? I have to take a piss and I would go right now but I don’t want you to see me peeing my pants!”

I just couldn’t stop laughing. Fifteen minutes ago he ripped a fart so loud that I jumped out of my shoes and almost dropped his bag. And now he’s mackin’ on this little cutie without a care in the world. I guess life is just easier for some people.

But regardless of how bad or rude that loop sounds, they were both very funny and GREAT golfers. I feel like I can caddie for just about anybody, but it’s nice to have some great golfers thrown in the mix every now and again just to give yourself a little break.