So You Want To Be A Caddie?

This is bad. I’m so out of it right now. I just found an old Starbucks cup of coffee that has been sitting on my kitchen counter for at least 4 days. It’s cold and I’m pretty sure I was going to throw it out. But right now, I’m desperate. I need caffeine. The coffee cup is now being put in the microwave. Those precious few milliliters still dense with my addiction need to be heated and used. Ding. Fantastic.

But can you blame me? My body feels like it’s in the middle of a nightmare--Slow moving and being chased by some stupid-looking rabid deer. And we can’t have that. This caffeine addiction blows. I can’t stop falling off the wagon.

Well, at least this 4-day old coffee is still pretty damn good.

Alright, so I have to be honest with you. I did not caddie today. I received a call this morning telling me that the tournament had been cancelled and rescheduled to next weekend. Granted, it was only 75 degrees and SUNNY today with a slight breeze and smells of freakin’ spring in the air, but we’ll let that slide. If they say it’s cancelled, it’s cancelled.

The good news is that I will be working tomorrow. The Caddie Master who called me—almost in the same breath as when he uttered those terrible words of “the tournament is cancelled”—turned around a second later and told me to be in at 8 am tomorrow, because he “doesn’t know what to expect.”

And ever since I received that call, my body has completely rejected any notion my brain has had of MOVING. Perhaps knowing that another season of hard work and heavy bags was upon me triggered a chemical reaction in my brain and caused my body to just chill for awhile. But I suppose my caffeine addiction trumps any thoughts of relaxation, because here I am, drinking 4-day old coffee in the kitchen. And yes, the 2-Liter bottle of Diet Coke will be my next target.

I think it would be great if I could work out some kind of sponsorship with an energy drink company this summer. Judging by my current caffeine needs, I think a sponsorship would be the only way I’d have any money left by the end of it. And hey, if there’s any truth to the “6-degrees of separation” theory, hopefully someone reading this post knows someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows my crack dealer and will tell him to give me a freakin’ call back. I’m a good customer damn it.

So after I hung up the phone and my body completely gave out, my mind started drifting back to some of the great memories I’ve had caddying. I read over some of my old posts, started thinking about a new eating regimen and tried to think about what it is exactly I’d like to accomplish this summer. And in the midst of all this thought and searching through my computer, I found a list that I started working on sometime last year. I haven’t posted this yet, and I figured this would be a perfect time, seeing as how I’m about to embark on another memorable golf season. So I hope you enjoy it. The title of this list is: “So you want to be a Caddie?”

So you want to be a Caddie?

Your feet will become quite disgusting. Blisters will form EVERYWHERE.

Your biggest fear will no longer be death. It will be “Caddie-Ass.”

Flexible work schedules are the only work schedules.

Get used to NOT eating lunch. Energy bars and fruit will be your salvation.

7-Eleven becomes another food group.

Fatigue is just another word for “pussy.”

You can easily remember 4 names after a single introduction, but the four guys you’re working for can’t seem to remember yours.

You wake up at 8 am and feel as though you’ve slept in.

You won’t know where half of the bruises came from on your body.

You WILL be doing laundry every two days.

Unless you work hard to keep your brain active, it will systematically shut-down after 3 weeks of watching SportsCenter 5 times every morning.

A good nights’ rest? A thing of the past. You will wake up every 3-4 hours each night thinking you have to be out on the tee meeting players.

You WILL get in the best shape of your life.

Your golf game will start to improve without any additional practice sessions or lessons.

You WILL become EXCELLENT at reading greens whether you like it or not.

You will become bolder and more confident around everyone you know. Why would I say this? Because you will be working with some very important businessmen who normally don’t take shit from anyone. And yet, when YOU are with them, not only do you tell them what to do, but you charge them a fee for your services.

You will stop and smell the roses every single day. You have to. They border the cart path at the turn.

Your hair will be bleached by the sun and you will have the biggest golfers’ tan EVER.

You will RUIN belts.

You will have an endless supply of stories to tell.

Did I say “ruin” your belts before? Well I forgot something. The combination of sweat and leather around your waist will start to ruin your shorts.

You will rediscover the beauty of Motrin IB and weep uncontrollably after your first pain-free loop.

You’ll wish you purchased stock in Dr. Scholl’s, knowing full well that your purchases of insoles ALONE would keep that company in business.

The topic of money will be the main focus of almost every discussion in the caddie yard. Everything else: sex, drugs, drinking and golf will be lumped together in a much smaller category.

…

Well, that is the list so far. I’m sure I will continue to add to it. And, I know what everyone is thinking. “But wait…Jam Boy SUCKS at reading greens.”

Yes, I do. But I’m HOPING someday I will suck…not as much.

One last thing I will really have to think about tonight is what I really want to get out of this season. What do I want to accomplish? I’ve learned over the last two years that unless you have some sort of carrot hanging in front of your face, this job can run you into the ground. When that carrot comes to me, I’ll let you know.

Take care all.