Saturday, November 19, 2005

A Little Update

“So I go to this jazz concert last night, right? And I’m drinkin’, I’m in a good mood, dressed nice, ya know? And the show ends and I still feel like lookin’ at the girls, so I start walkin’ to a bar. It’s raining and pitch black outside, but I’m feelin’ good, ya know? I’m in high spirits. So I round the corner and come upon what I think is come kind of puddle. Well it’s dark. But I just assume it’s a normal puddle. Like maybe an inch or so deep or some shit. I mean, it hasn’t been raining THAT hard yet. So I take a step, and I fall right through. All of sudden I’m in 5 feet of water and I’m swimmin’ like a dog tryin’ to find a way out. My fuckin’ head went under man. It went under that nasty-ass water. So I finally crawl out, and I look ahead and see that there’s a lot of construction going on in front of me. They fuckin’ forgot to mark that shit off! I could’ve broken my neck! And I lost my car keys man! $30 to replace those freakin’ things. Thank God I have a spare set. But ain’t that a bitch? If they were workin’ at all that night and dropped a brick in there, that would’ve been the end man. My friends in New York would be drinkin’ their beers bein’ like, ‘Awww man. Mikey never had a chance. Freakin’ brick got him.’ But I gotta go back for those keys man. I think I’m going to get a bucket and drain all that water out.”

“You said it was 5 feet of water?”


“That could take a while. Get a rake or put on some dirty clothes and go in after your keys man. Don’t spend all day dumpin’ water out.”

“Yeah yeah yeah. That’s what I should do man. That’s right. But I can’t go in that water man. It’s not clean. It’s all muddy.”

“That sucks man. But it’s a good story.”

“Yeah man. Isn’t that a bitch?”

That was the story that started off my day. Just thought I’d share.

I’ve been trying to post for a few days now, but a new situation has presented itself: there is one computer in the house, and the other user is the Caddie Master. Yes, I’m living with him. So my recent attempts to post have been unsuccessful.

“Tom, why has the recent history of visited sites been deleted?”

Because I don’t want you to know that I’ve spent the entire summer writing about you and the rest of my caddie experiences for all the world to see.

“Oh. Well carry on then.”

So now that he has decided to retire for the evening, I can give you guys a little update.

First off, I just wanted to say I feel a little disappointed in myself after reading over my last post. I guess it really didn't take that much to send me into a philosophical tailspin. Bad days happen, and after talking about the member in question with a few of the staff guys, I felt a lot better about my abilities.

“Dude. She’s a bitch. She’s just arrogant is all.”

I also had a little time to relax this past weekend. I flew back to Northern Virginia for the premiere of an independent film one of my friends’ finished producing. It’s been a while since I’ve mentioned anything about it, but I helped him work on it a little bit earlier this summer and so it was pretty interesting to see myself on the big screen. It was weird having girls come up to ME at the after-party and introducing themselves. Usually I’m the one doing all the legwork.

“Hey. You were like…that zombie guy, right?”

My character had been in purgatory for quite awhile. So I guess with the make-up I looked a little weird. But whatever. Zombie it is. Hellllloooooo ladies.

Of course I was an idiot and drank my face off. Guess it was kinda hard not to. I was surrounded by close friends who I hadn’t seen in over a year and who I may never see again. Although, aside from my own personal health, I was really only pissed at myself for one reason: a girl. I was playing my cards right, and then I had to go ahead and lose control. I think she was still interested, even after all of my stupid jokes and loveable beer breath, but I just couldn’t go through with it. I mean I was tanked. How many SOBER ladies would like to fool around with a drunken idiot?

Damn. I know, I know.



“You’re a pussy.”

“I know.”

But anyway, after all that and getting in around 2 am, I had to be the Caddie Master and arrive on the tee at 6:30 sharp. Whoa boy. And after a Full Throttle and a war cry, I was ready.

I had an awesome start to my morning. As part of my job, I try to “fit in” with the outside staff while working as a Caddie Master by pulling bags and setting up the driving range. Well I needed to grab a bag and bring up another cart, so I’m thinking: hey, let’s kill two birds with one stone.

So I grab the bag from the rack, throw it in the passenger seat of the cart and drive up towards the practice area with both hands on the wheel. Both. Please notice that I do NOT have a hand on the bag in the passenger seat.

When I reach the top of the hill, the bag slides off of the seat and out onto the pavement. But instead of simply falling out of the cart, the bottom of the bag gets wedged underneath the drink holders and the clubs are DRAGGED across the pavement.

I immediately do two things: one, I take my eyes off of the road and stare at the sparks flying off of the irons. That takes about two seconds. Secondly, I realize I’m a dumbass for CONTINUING to drive while the clubs are being dragged and slam on the breaks. A loud screech is heard for miles as I smash into the front left wheel of another cart.

I look up from the wheel to see the pro, one of the assistant pro’s and two or three members staring at me. The assistant pro was the first to speak.

“Damn. Did you see the sparks coming off of those irons?”


I’m supposed to be professional as I approach the members when I ask if they’ll be needing the services of a caddie, not crash a cart in front of them and ask if they’ve ever seen a Caddie Master create a fireworks display with a set of irons. I mean I’m no expert, but I think that might be a little unprofessional.

“Are you the Caddie Master?”

“Oh no. But I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night.”

On Tuesday’s and Thursday’s, I work from 6:30-2:30 as the Caddie Master, and then from 2:30-6 as an outside staff-member. I work open to close. I was so drained by the time I clocked out. When I was driving back home I couldn’t even change the radio station when Ace of Base started playing. It was one of the most depressing moments of my life.

But to recap, things are better, but there are still a lot of things that need to be worked out in the caddie yard. I’ll be sure to let you guys know.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Bad Report

Every caddie knows the score. No matter how hard you work, no matter how hard you try to please, there will be loops that do not go well. Now I'm not talking about caddying for assholes, slow players or bad tippers. I'm talking about the caddie. Sometimes you're an "A" caddie, and sometimes you're a "C" caddie. You have no choice but to hit a wall at some point. It is inevitable. Why oh why did this have to happen to me NOW.

I just moved to Florida about a week ago. I was promoted to be the Assistant Caddie Master at this new course. This new account is a very exclusive club with some of the nicest members I've ever encountered. In addition, the administrative staff has been nothing but supportive and courteous to me since I arrived. And my first few loops were great. I was energetic, eager to learn the course, and was able to hold conversations with the members without breaking a sweat.

Well, yesterday I broke a sweat.

I was one of two caddies working with a group of women. One of the bags' I was carrying just happened to belong to the wife of a founding member. She had requested me from one of my previous loops. But there was something wrong. No matter what I did or how hard I tried, I couldn't seem to get my energy up. I felt like I was on cruise control the whole round. I would try running with both bags for 150 yards, I would jump up and down with them on my shoulders (nobody except for the other caddie saw me do this...I imagine I would've looked like an idiot), I would stretch, I would try being as up-beat and polite as possible, trying to fall back on some of my sales training that taught me to use my actions and gestures as a way to entice the mind to follow. So if I'm tired and depressed but I start acting jovial and enthusiastic, soon I will be happy rather than depressed. At least that was the theory. And it didn't work. Nothing did.

On the second hole I completely misread a putt for one of my players, and so on the third hole the other caddie (who had been caddying at this course for awhile) took the lead and started reading everybody's putts. At first I was a little annoyed, but then after hearing one of my players request a read from HIM rather than ME, I decided it was for the best. I mean hey, I want my players to get the right reads.

This went on for the rest of the round. Sure, I would occasionally offer a read, and I was even right a few times. But during the round I couldn't help but feel like the other caddie was losing respect for me. I started to feel like I was on one of my first training loops, with a senior caddie making sure I wasn't screwing anything up. I also noticed for some reason that I couldn't seem to project my voice. It was like I was stuck being the shy kid for a day. I hated that. I was so desperate to get out of that mindset, that I even tried to start little conversations with the woman who requested me, saying stupid things like, "So where are you from? What brought you down here? Oh I love Boston. Quincy Markets all the way."

It was horrible. I've never felt so undeserving of tip money at the end of the round. It wasn't much, but I didn't feel like I deserved any of it. I knew the loop had gone sour. But I took solace in the fact that hey, every caddie will have a bad day.

Well I learned this morning that yes, every caddie will have a bad day, but NO, that no longer applies to me. Now, I am an Assistant Caddie Master. I need to be setting an example and showing my strength.

Today is the first round of the Ladies' Member-Guest. I arrived right on time feeling as prepared as ever to avenge my debacle from yesterday. I had breakfast in hand, my special Peak Vision sunglasses on my hat, and I was sipping a Full Throttle energy drink. If my past experiences were any indication, that Full Throttle would kick my ass into gear and my problems would be over.

Well, my boss is in town. He's been here since last week, sleeping on my couch and going to the course everyday to make sure the caddie program goes off without a hitch. I was wetting a towel getting ready for my hole assignment when he walks down into the caddie yard and motions for me to follow him. He takes me into the Caddie Master's office and shuts the door.

"What's this I hear about you not being able to read greens?"

"Yeah. Yesterday was--"

"I walk in this morning and I hear from the Director that these women went out yesterday and were annoyed that they had an untrained caddie working for them."

"Well, I--"

"No, just be quiet for a minute. You're the Assistant Caddie Master. You've BEEN trained. Read the fucking greens. I know you're trying to do the noble thing by letting a senior caddie read the greens, but you're showing nothing but weakness. You need to be strong. Read the fucking greens."

And then he walked back outside and left me to think. I felt like absolute crap. Ever since I started working for him, I have never been reprimanded. He never had to. There were never any complaints from any of the members I've looped for. And NOW that I'm helping to manage a caddie program, a position I thought I would fill nicely, I just happen to have a bad day around a highly critical member and an experienced caddie (who's probably wondering why the hell he should listen to a dumbass caddie like me) and all of my credibility goes out the window. I'm sure I made my boss look horrible. The caddie I worked with has probably even talked to a few of the other caddies and dragged my name through the mud by now.

About 5 minutes later, the Caddie Master, a kid my age who I've become pretty good friends with, pulls me aside.

"The boss thinks you should take today off. Is that cool?"

"Yeah...I mean, whatever I can do to help you guys out. I told you it was a bad loop yesterday. I guess I just didn't realize HOW bad. I'm sorry man."

"Just go home and get some rest. I'll talk to you later tonight."

Jesus. I'm being sent home. My first truly bad loop since I started in March and they're sending me home to sleep it off and think about what I've done. Man, talk about a hole I've gotten myself into. That quote from "Batman Begins" keeps running through my head.

"Son, why do we fall? So we learn how to pick ourselves back up."

I need to think about this for a little while. I think one of my problems right now is that I'm looking at this experience through the eyes of a caddie and not a MANAGER. My whole life, in almost every job I've ever had, I've been an equal with my co-workers. I've been a manager once before, and to be honest, I don't really think I did a good job. I always wanted to be everyone's friend. Not sure how I can change my mindset, because I hate feeling like I'm superior to anyone else. Then again, I really REALLY hate being stepped on. I hate being taken advantage of. I don't know. Maybe I can use that frustration and anger to be a better manager.

Anyway, thanks for reading this far. I'm always trying to shorten these posts up, but I always seem to have a lot on my mind. I'll let you guys know how tomorrow goes.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

A Little Closure and A New Beginning

I tried my best. I avoided her calls and I felt strong and resolute in my decision to rest and relax.

But the little tweaker used a friends’ cell phone and I didn’t think before I answered one of her final attempts. There was no conversation. She simply said, “Hey, I’m on my way over there right now. See you soon.”

This girl is insane. I have no idea what I’ve been doing or saying that would give her the impression that I actually wanted to hang out.

An hour later, she rings the doorbell. She’s wearing a jean-skirt that’s so short she’s using both hands to hold it down far enough so as not to look “slutty.”

“The traffic was fucking terrible. I know you’re probably tired, but you better make tonight worth my while for having to deal with that shit.”

Just then, an amazing fact struck me: this was the first time I had seen her sober. She actually sounded witty and interesting. Normally she’s so high and drunk that her tirades seem to drone on regardless of what face I make or how I respond. But tonight she was picking up on all of my sarcasm and throwing it right back in my face. Could I actually go through with this?

“So what do you want to do tonight? Just sit around not having fun again?”

“Actually no. Let’s go out to a bar. There’s one close-by that looks like it might be worthwhile.”

Now, what I failed to realize was that I really needed to focus on keeping her as SOBER as possible for as LONG as possible. Otherwise, I’d be right back at square one: another night dealing with the drunken little tweaker again.

For the first hour or so, I was actually having a good time at the bar. People were coming over and buying us shots because we looked like a “cute couple.” She even took the initiative and kissed me.

“I swore to myself I would do that tonight. Because I knew you were sure as hell not going to.”

Ouch. But well played my little ho-bag.

As usual, she dominated the conversation. At this point I had become quite complacent and completely forgotten that I had to talk at SOME point just to keep her interest. But at that point, it didn’t matter anymore. She was already talking to some other guy and told me she’d “find her own ride” back to my place.

“Just leave the door open for me.”

And so it came to pass, that at 2:46 am she came bursting through my bedroom door and started taking off her clothes. She grabbed my clock and screamed, “It’s 2:46 in the morning and you’ve got a topless girl getting into bed with you. Can you handle that shit?!”

I guess so.

And for an hour, I really did try to handle that shit. I tried to sleep. But she started to toss and turn, and after being kneed in the stomach for the third time I decided it was time to sleep on the couch.


So I’ve just come back to this file, and from here up is all I had typed. It’s been a little while since it happened, so rather than try to recount everything I think I’ll just give you the highlights and let you guys know what I’m doing right now.

Needless to say, that night nothing happened. I’m sorry. I know I probably should’ve done something with her, but I guess those highly intoxicated obnoxious girls just don’t “do it” for me anymore. Maybe they never “did it for me.” But the following night was the real kicker.

So I’m out at this bar trying to enjoy my last few hours with my friends before I leave for Florida, and I get a phone call from her. Now, you have to remember that this girl has monopolized my time for 4 freakin’ days, which means that at this point, I don’t even have the OPTION of hanging out with girl number two. We were supposed to hang out, but because of my erratic schedule with the little tweaker we could never finalize anything and ended up NEVER hanging out. So I was pretty psyched about that. So after all of the innuendos, the talk about drugs and drinking, the time away from my friends and all of the SLEEP I was missing, I snapped.

“Hey, so what are you doing tonight? I’m pretty low on gas, so I don’t really think I want to drive anywhere. You want to come here?”

“No. Look, I don’t know if we’re ever going to get to hang out again…but if we do, there will be no watching of movies, dinner, or watching television. We’re just going to have sex. That’s it.”

Long pause.

“So that’s how it is?”

“Yeah. That’s how it is.”


“So can I come over tonight?”

Jesus. What have I gotten myself into?

And about 6 hours later, I was heading to Florida. And yes, I left out that last part on purpose because I feel it would be wrong of me to alter the content of this site THAT MUCH in one posting. But I am in Florida now, and I can’t wait to tell you guys about it. I just need to grab some sleep tonight because tomorrow will be my first day as a Caddie Master at this new account. So I have to be on my toes. I’ll hit you guys up again soon. Take care everyone.