Saturday, November 19, 2005

A Little Update

“So I go to this jazz concert last night, right? And I’m drinkin’, I’m in a good mood, dressed nice, ya know? And the show ends and I still feel like lookin’ at the girls, so I start walkin’ to a bar. It’s raining and pitch black outside, but I’m feelin’ good, ya know? I’m in high spirits. So I round the corner and come upon what I think is come kind of puddle. Well it’s dark. But I just assume it’s a normal puddle. Like maybe an inch or so deep or some shit. I mean, it hasn’t been raining THAT hard yet. So I take a step, and I fall right through. All of sudden I’m in 5 feet of water and I’m swimmin’ like a dog tryin’ to find a way out. My fuckin’ head went under man. It went under that nasty-ass water. So I finally crawl out, and I look ahead and see that there’s a lot of construction going on in front of me. They fuckin’ forgot to mark that shit off! I could’ve broken my neck! And I lost my car keys man! $30 to replace those freakin’ things. Thank God I have a spare set. But ain’t that a bitch? If they were workin’ at all that night and dropped a brick in there, that would’ve been the end man. My friends in New York would be drinkin’ their beers bein’ like, ‘Awww man. Mikey never had a chance. Freakin’ brick got him.’ But I gotta go back for those keys man. I think I’m going to get a bucket and drain all that water out.”

“You said it was 5 feet of water?”


“That could take a while. Get a rake or put on some dirty clothes and go in after your keys man. Don’t spend all day dumpin’ water out.”

“Yeah yeah yeah. That’s what I should do man. That’s right. But I can’t go in that water man. It’s not clean. It’s all muddy.”

“That sucks man. But it’s a good story.”

“Yeah man. Isn’t that a bitch?”

That was the story that started off my day. Just thought I’d share.

I’ve been trying to post for a few days now, but a new situation has presented itself: there is one computer in the house, and the other user is the Caddie Master. Yes, I’m living with him. So my recent attempts to post have been unsuccessful.

“Tom, why has the recent history of visited sites been deleted?”

Because I don’t want you to know that I’ve spent the entire summer writing about you and the rest of my caddie experiences for all the world to see.

“Oh. Well carry on then.”

So now that he has decided to retire for the evening, I can give you guys a little update.

First off, I just wanted to say I feel a little disappointed in myself after reading over my last post. I guess it really didn't take that much to send me into a philosophical tailspin. Bad days happen, and after talking about the member in question with a few of the staff guys, I felt a lot better about my abilities.

“Dude. She’s a bitch. She’s just arrogant is all.”

I also had a little time to relax this past weekend. I flew back to Northern Virginia for the premiere of an independent film one of my friends’ finished producing. It’s been a while since I’ve mentioned anything about it, but I helped him work on it a little bit earlier this summer and so it was pretty interesting to see myself on the big screen. It was weird having girls come up to ME at the after-party and introducing themselves. Usually I’m the one doing all the legwork.

“Hey. You were like…that zombie guy, right?”

My character had been in purgatory for quite awhile. So I guess with the make-up I looked a little weird. But whatever. Zombie it is. Hellllloooooo ladies.

Of course I was an idiot and drank my face off. Guess it was kinda hard not to. I was surrounded by close friends who I hadn’t seen in over a year and who I may never see again. Although, aside from my own personal health, I was really only pissed at myself for one reason: a girl. I was playing my cards right, and then I had to go ahead and lose control. I think she was still interested, even after all of my stupid jokes and loveable beer breath, but I just couldn’t go through with it. I mean I was tanked. How many SOBER ladies would like to fool around with a drunken idiot?

Damn. I know, I know.



“You’re a pussy.”

“I know.”

But anyway, after all that and getting in around 2 am, I had to be the Caddie Master and arrive on the tee at 6:30 sharp. Whoa boy. And after a Full Throttle and a war cry, I was ready.

I had an awesome start to my morning. As part of my job, I try to “fit in” with the outside staff while working as a Caddie Master by pulling bags and setting up the driving range. Well I needed to grab a bag and bring up another cart, so I’m thinking: hey, let’s kill two birds with one stone.

So I grab the bag from the rack, throw it in the passenger seat of the cart and drive up towards the practice area with both hands on the wheel. Both. Please notice that I do NOT have a hand on the bag in the passenger seat.

When I reach the top of the hill, the bag slides off of the seat and out onto the pavement. But instead of simply falling out of the cart, the bottom of the bag gets wedged underneath the drink holders and the clubs are DRAGGED across the pavement.

I immediately do two things: one, I take my eyes off of the road and stare at the sparks flying off of the irons. That takes about two seconds. Secondly, I realize I’m a dumbass for CONTINUING to drive while the clubs are being dragged and slam on the breaks. A loud screech is heard for miles as I smash into the front left wheel of another cart.

I look up from the wheel to see the pro, one of the assistant pro’s and two or three members staring at me. The assistant pro was the first to speak.

“Damn. Did you see the sparks coming off of those irons?”


I’m supposed to be professional as I approach the members when I ask if they’ll be needing the services of a caddie, not crash a cart in front of them and ask if they’ve ever seen a Caddie Master create a fireworks display with a set of irons. I mean I’m no expert, but I think that might be a little unprofessional.

“Are you the Caddie Master?”

“Oh no. But I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night.”

On Tuesday’s and Thursday’s, I work from 6:30-2:30 as the Caddie Master, and then from 2:30-6 as an outside staff-member. I work open to close. I was so drained by the time I clocked out. When I was driving back home I couldn’t even change the radio station when Ace of Base started playing. It was one of the most depressing moments of my life.

But to recap, things are better, but there are still a lot of things that need to be worked out in the caddie yard. I’ll be sure to let you guys know.


Shanks said...


Anonymous said...

Where are you??? Gotta hear the end of the story re: the 'little tweaker'

Keep 'em in the fairways!

Anonymous said...

Hey JB, don't feel bad about that chick. You did pretty well. There wasn't much you could do in that situation with everyone just sitting around drinking on the couches. She was definately interested in you. I saw how she was looking at you, you big stud. Even if everyone was making fun of her accent :)