Thursday, October 12, 2006

One Hundred

Wow. So this is it. I'm in the triple digits now. One-hundred posts and counting. No need to make a big deal out of it, because I was away for a good portion of this year and I still have a lot of writing to do. But again, from the bottom of my heart, thank you so much for visiting my site. Coming home after a long day and seeing your feedback always makes me smile. And to think, way back when I first started this thing, the first person to comment on my site yelled at me for talking about "wet farts" too much. Can't say I've matured much since then, but I'm glad all of you got past my initial bouts of creativity (aka "crack addiction").

So thank you.

For some reason I couldn't stop drinking Diet Coke this morning. I started out with a coffee, and before I knew it, I had finished two Diet Coke's as well as inadvertently finished off somebody ELSES Diet Coke. It was like I had Alzheimer’s for 20 minutes. I threw away my second soda, sat down, saw a Diet Coke on the desk inside and thought "hey, I guess I have some left."

My caffeine high made my mouth move uncontrollably. I couldn't stop talking. And I'm glad that happened, because somehow everyone got on the topic of "caddie lingo" and I thought I would share a few of the definitions with you.

1. Roseanne shot: short and chunky.
2. Condom shot: doesn't feel that great, but it's safe.
3. Son-in-law shot: not what you were expecting, but you'll take it.
4. Rock Hudson putt: looks straight, but isn't.
5. OJ shot: got away with it.
6. Torn pajamas: "one-ball out" while putting.

I'm sure there are many more. But those are some of my favorites.

I caddied for Mr. Spit-wad today. I named him that because the pronunciation of his last name could be used by actors and actresses during warm-ups. The mere utterance of his name made children weep and birds shit uncontrollably. But it REALLY clears your throat.

In addition, Mr. Spit-wad was incapable of smiling. Regardless of a great shot, a funny comment by one of his playing partners or the gorgeous weather, he simply refused to believe there was any happiness left in the world. That, and all he could talk about was work. What sale caused the most headaches for him, how much capital his competitors were raising, yada yada. Hey, that's all fine and dandy, but I always like to get an INKLING as to how much he's enjoying his round, because then I know how to modify my caddying style to fit his personality.

Personality? What's that? I'd rather just sit here and NOT SMILE.

And on 13, something amazing happened. Something I'm sure I'll never see again. We were 70 yards from the front of the green and he saw a snake (roughly 3 feet long). Upon seeing the snake, a big smile crossed his face (I cried and drooled on myself REPEATEDLY in celebration) as he ran at a full SPRINT up towards the green to play with it. To PLAY with it. At first he went to pick it up with his hands. But after seeing his expressionless face, the snake grew angry and started snapping at him.

"Damn idiot! SMILE already."

The rest of us just stood in the fairway hoping he wouldn't DIE or something. I mean...is that a water moccasin? And who RUNS towards dangerous animals? Does this guy have a death wish? Get back here you crazy bastard!

When Mr. Spit-wad realized he couldn't just PICK the snake up, he grabbed a rake from one of the greenside bunkers and pinned the snake down so that he COULD succeed in cradling the snake in his arms.

One of his guests screamed. "Ahhh! For Christ sake! Get that thing away from me!"

He was 50 yards away.

Mr. Spit-wad walked over towards me and his other guest to show us how happy he was with his new friend.

"See that? See the light blue on the bottom? He's a youngin'. But he sure is pissed off."

Really? No shit. Why don't you jam your thumb up the snake's ass just to make sure.

And with that, Mr. Spit-wad brought the snake over to the other side of the green and threw it in the tall grass. Moments later, his massive smile and cheerfulness disappeared as he composed himself. His face and butt-hole tensed up once again, and he made SURE that he would be unhappy once again.

5 comments:

Kiwi said...

And it just goes to show there are some careless doctor's in the world... he was obviously dropped on his head at birth

English Dave said...

I've only ever seen an adder on our course, which is on the edge of the moor. To be fair, he was more scared of me, I think, and he was running away with his tiny little legs. But if he had gone anywhere near my ball, he would have got a clubberin', Tony.

I can't imagine people not enjoying a round of golf, especially on your course, JB. Why are they out there in the first place? Also, people off handicaps in the teens and above who get mad when they hit a bad shot or miss a putt. Just look at your handicaps ... that's why the shots are there. I shagged one miles right OB into the trees the other day on a long par 3 and couldn't stop myself laughing at the crapness. Rubbish, I am. I played a proper old fashioned links course over here recently, the oldest one in the world outside of Scotland, I believe, opened in 1864, and it was the most fun I had ever had while still wearing my pants. Couldn;t stop smiling all the way round. Come to think of it, it was better than most intimate encounters I have had ... lasted longer, too.

Jam Boy said...

You're both right. I think his doctor must've covered his hands in Crisco or something just to be cocky. And then look what happened.

And Dave, that's just great. I can't tell you how many times I've laughed at a horrible shot I've had. I was playing with a friend of mine once and he kept getting so mad at himself: throwing clubs, swearing, calling deer "wankers" and the like. So finally after he got all pissy on the 9th I stood on top of one of the hills and threw my bag so it rolled most of the way down. I was sad to have to do that to my clubs, but he and the other people I was playing with got the point. Just lighten up. They started laughing and the rest of the round went so much better. Maybe I should've hucked Mr. Spit-Wad's clubs in the lake or something. At least that would've made me smile a little more out there.

The Armchair Golfer said...

Hey JB, congrats on your 100th post.

Too bad about Mr. Spit-wad. It's gotta be like crossing the Sahara when you're on a bag like his. There's enough anger and sadness in the world. Do we have to carry it onto the golf course, too?

The bit on the coffee and Diet Coke ... that's me, man.

~AG

Anonymous said...

Really great post. And congrats on hitting 100, hard to believe.

Grumpy people should be banished from the golf course. I played yesterday with a guy who is probably single digit. After EVERY shot he cussed and complained about what went wrong. Mostly blaming himself but it was very annoying. It would have been a great relief if he had just laughed a time or two.

Keep up the great work. By the way Diet Coke is very addictive. Several years ago I found myself drinking five or 6 a day. I finally switched to Diet Dr. Pepper and I can keep it to two a day.