Saturday, March 10, 2007

So You Want To Be A Caddie?

This is bad. I’m so out of it right now. I just found an old Starbucks cup of coffee that has been sitting on my kitchen counter for at least 4 days. It’s cold and I’m pretty sure I was going to throw it out. But right now, I’m desperate. I need caffeine. The coffee cup is now being put in the microwave. Those precious few milliliters still dense with my addiction need to be heated and used. Ding. Fantastic.

But can you blame me? My body feels like it’s in the middle of a nightmare--Slow moving and being chased by some stupid-looking rabid deer. And we can’t have that. This caffeine addiction blows. I can’t stop falling off the wagon.

Well, at least this 4-day old coffee is still pretty damn good.

Alright, so I have to be honest with you. I did not caddie today. I received a call this morning telling me that the tournament had been cancelled and rescheduled to next weekend. Granted, it was only 75 degrees and SUNNY today with a slight breeze and smells of freakin’ spring in the air, but we’ll let that slide. If they say it’s cancelled, it’s cancelled.

The good news is that I will be working tomorrow. The Caddie Master who called me—almost in the same breath as when he uttered those terrible words of “the tournament is cancelled”—turned around a second later and told me to be in at 8 am tomorrow, because he “doesn’t know what to expect.”

And ever since I received that call, my body has completely rejected any notion my brain has had of MOVING. Perhaps knowing that another season of hard work and heavy bags was upon me triggered a chemical reaction in my brain and caused my body to just chill for awhile. But I suppose my caffeine addiction trumps any thoughts of relaxation, because here I am, drinking 4-day old coffee in the kitchen. And yes, the 2-Liter bottle of Diet Coke will be my next target.

I think it would be great if I could work out some kind of sponsorship with an energy drink company this summer. Judging by my current caffeine needs, I think a sponsorship would be the only way I’d have any money left by the end of it. And hey, if there’s any truth to the “6-degrees of separation” theory, hopefully someone reading this post knows someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows my crack dealer and will tell him to give me a freakin’ call back. I’m a good customer damn it.

So after I hung up the phone and my body completely gave out, my mind started drifting back to some of the great memories I’ve had caddying. I read over some of my old posts, started thinking about a new eating regimen and tried to think about what it is exactly I’d like to accomplish this summer. And in the midst of all this thought and searching through my computer, I found a list that I started working on sometime last year. I haven’t posted this yet, and I figured this would be a perfect time, seeing as how I’m about to embark on another memorable golf season. So I hope you enjoy it. The title of this list is: “So you want to be a Caddie?”

So you want to be a Caddie?

Your feet will become quite disgusting. Blisters will form EVERYWHERE.

Your biggest fear will no longer be death. It will be “Caddie-Ass.”

Flexible work schedules are the only work schedules.

Get used to NOT eating lunch. Energy bars and fruit will be your salvation.

7-Eleven becomes another food group.

Fatigue is just another word for “pussy.”

You can easily remember 4 names after a single introduction, but the four guys you’re working for can’t seem to remember yours.

You wake up at 8 am and feel as though you’ve slept in.

You won’t know where half of the bruises came from on your body.

You WILL be doing laundry every two days.

Unless you work hard to keep your brain active, it will systematically shut-down after 3 weeks of watching SportsCenter 5 times every morning.

A good nights’ rest? A thing of the past. You will wake up every 3-4 hours each night thinking you have to be out on the tee meeting players.

You WILL get in the best shape of your life.

Your golf game will start to improve without any additional practice sessions or lessons.

You WILL become EXCELLENT at reading greens whether you like it or not.

You will become bolder and more confident around everyone you know. Why would I say this? Because you will be working with some very important businessmen who normally don’t take shit from anyone. And yet, when YOU are with them, not only do you tell them what to do, but you charge them a fee for your services.

You will stop and smell the roses every single day. You have to. They border the cart path at the turn.

Your hair will be bleached by the sun and you will have the biggest golfers’ tan EVER.

You will RUIN belts.

You will have an endless supply of stories to tell.

Did I say “ruin” your belts before? Well I forgot something. The combination of sweat and leather around your waist will start to ruin your shorts.

You will rediscover the beauty of Motrin IB and weep uncontrollably after your first pain-free loop.

You’ll wish you purchased stock in Dr. Scholl’s, knowing full well that your purchases of insoles ALONE would keep that company in business.

The topic of money will be the main focus of almost every discussion in the caddie yard. Everything else: sex, drugs, drinking and golf will be lumped together in a much smaller category.

Well, that is the list so far. I’m sure I will continue to add to it. And, I know what everyone is thinking. “But wait…Jam Boy SUCKS at reading greens.”

Yes, I do. But I’m HOPING someday I will suck…not as much.

One last thing I will really have to think about tonight is what I really want to get out of this season. What do I want to accomplish? I’ve learned over the last two years that unless you have some sort of carrot hanging in front of your face, this job can run you into the ground. When that carrot comes to me, I’ll let you know.

Take care all.


Anonymous said...

Tom, dude, drinking 4 day old coffee is not cool. Even I wouldn't stoop so low, and I'm pretty disgusting. I've extended the 5 second rule to several minutes on more than one occasion and hours on a couple. Food's still tasty after all that time, just with a slightly different texture or consistency. What was my point again? Oh yes ... don;t you have a jar of coffee in the cupboard in your kitchen, or is it just the archetypal solid bag of unused flour, an onion which has metamorphosed into an entire plant and an empty put of jam? Damn, I used some long words (for me) then and I'm not entirely sure I spelt most of them right.

Why did they cancel the tournament? I played Saturday and the weather was glorious. The course was still very wet as God has seen fit to piss all over Plymouth and the south-west of England for the last 6 months, almost, non-stop. But the weather has turned and, as of 1st March, Spring is officially here. Soon be playing in the evenings after work.

Your list of things about being a caddie kind of splits me down the middle (oo-er missus). While I get the impression that you're trying to dissuade (good word ... I like dissuade) people from becoming caddies, it still makes it sound fun. More fun than my sit-on-my-arse, 9 to 5 job anyway, but I reckon my jobs probably easier and steadier, too. I can almost SEE the inside of the caddy shack (hut/barn/house/yard?) and everyone gathered around swapping stories, shooting the breeze, playing cards and talking sh ... poop. It sounds to me, old pal, as if you're starting to feel like not only one of the team, but part of the fabric of the community and all around you are brothers of the bib. In golf and under fear of the shank, 3-putt and crappy tip we trust.

Are you still looking for a carrot? Sometimes, having been pretty down in my life and having absolutely no idea what the future holds for me or in which direction I should be going, other than earning the next paycheck (Damnit, I'm English, I don't write paycheck. Cheque at the very least, and even that should take a back seat to "payslip" or something more suitable. You see what you American types are doing to me, robbing me of my beautiful language and heritage? Sometimes, I even find myself thinking in an American accent ... that stuff's not right) Where was I? Oh, yeah, sometimes, all you can focus on is enjoying life as much as possible day-to-day, week to week, and maybe something bigger will present itself when you're not really looking for it. It did with me ... now I'm really stuck. But couldn't be happier, of course, in case she's reading this. Which isn't likely. She doesn't care about golf on either side of the pond.

Anyway, I'm off to telephone Russia, so ... Moscow. Can't believe I said that. Pathetic.

Anyway, stay cool and keep yourself nice. All the best


Anonymous said...

Oh yeah and ...


That was fucking genius. Any other logo will have to go some to top that. Apologies for cocking swearing.

Tom Collins said...

Bring back the arse flag? That's hilarious. That's all I can say. Just hilarious. Because it's you, dave, I might just have to do that. And as far as the list goes, maybe you're right. I might have to add a few more "good" aspects to the list so as not to dissuade any potential caddies. Because I mean let's be honest, if I didn't like it, I wouldn't be doing it.