The Day Before The Day

So tomorrow is the big day. Tomorrow we'll see if modern science has evolved enough to handle these two nearsighted orbs stuck in my skull some choose to call "eye-balls."

I mean, "they" just launched another Shuttle into space. Shooting lasers at a blind-guy's head should be no problem, right?

Well let's look at today first. Today I was to play the role of Caddie Master / Starter. It is a role I've grown to dislike as of late, thanks to the stubbornness of the current members. It seems that many of the members do not see the need for taking a caddie, and so my job has become more of a "Sales Associate" than that of a "kick-ass Caddie Master in training," or a "KACMIT" if you will.

By the way: it's pronounced "caaaahhhhhhhkkkkkkkkMITT."

I cringe just thinking about trying to make a sale. You see, I worked as an insurance salesman for AFLAC before I decided to become a caddie (a common story), and in all honesty, I really don't have anything bad to say about the company itself. It was just what they expected me to DO that I wasn't too keen on.

"So let me get this straight. You want me to walk into this business, a business with a large sign on the door that says 'no soliciting,' ask to see the manager with no other reason than that of 'because I want to,' ask him if I can sit in his office and have 10 (but you really mean 15-20) minutes of his time, and then you want me to make an appointment to come back and close the sale by signing up all of his employees?"

"Yeah. That's about it."

"Just one question."

"Yeah?"

"Are you FUCKING NUTS?"

"Hahahaha...that's a good one Tom. You're so funny! You're going to be great! Hey, after we're done here, do you want to meet up later and listen to motivational tapes together or something? Or what about quizzing each other on that new addendum to Medicare? Medicaid even? What do you say buddy?"

"I have to get out of here."

And so that's what I did. I lasted a solid month. And then I ran straight to the golf course as soon as I heard about working as a caddie and never looked back. Until now. Now the sales training I had received was creeping back with each step I took toward another prospective member.

Remember to smile. Equal pressure and eye-contact on the handshake. Come in with your palm facing a little towards the sky in order to simulate a submissive position. He is in control. Say his name three times in your head to help you remember it later. Confidence. He has no idea you're a little new to this. Let's try the inquisitive approach to start.

"Well how are you sir? Just a quick question before you head out. I'm still new here and I'm training as a Starter / Caddie Master--"

"Oh really? Well that sounds like a good deal."

"Yes, yes. It's working out so far. But I was just curious: have you had a chance to try-out using one of our caddies? I've HEARD they've been doing a great job, but I'm only here once or twice a week so I don't get the feedback from the members like the regular Caddie Master does. Any comments?"

"Well, I haven't used a caddie yet."

REAAAAAALLLLLLYYYYYY.

"You don't say. Well have you heard anything about them?"

"I've heard they're doing a great job."

Heh. Alright. Time for the sell.

"Well that's good. So, how many do you have in your group today?"

"Four. We have four today."

"Care to try out a caddie today? Give me some feedback?"

"Oh no thanks. Me and the rest of my foursome would like to sweat our nads off. We would like to sweat SO MUCH that we pass out and piss ourselves. But thank you for the offer. I'll keep that in mind the NEXT time I come out to play. Because I would like to see how well your caddies' do."

Crap.

"You sure you don't want to try using a caddie today?"

"Oh absolutely. I HEART dehydration."

Oh well. And that's about how it went for the other 10-15 members I confronted today. And it breaks your heart to look back into the caddie yard and see 5 or 6 kids giving you that puppy-dog face because you just KNOW that you're holding their careers in your hands every time you step up and claim to be the Caddie Master.

Because of the heat today (it was up around 105 with the humidity) a lot of the tee-times were cancelled, and so even the caddies who were REQUESTED to work were sent home without a loop. It was so disheartening. I mean, I WASN'T giving up for these kids. But I mean, come on. If the member doesn't want a caddie, there's really not a lot I can do.

And that was pretty much my day. Caddies' coming in to work, members saying they NEVER fully understood WHY a caddie even EXISTED, the pro shop calling me with cancellations, and my brother's in arms were sent home without any money in their pockets.

You know, I think that's the one aspect of being a Caddie Master I do not like. Everything else is no problem: training caddies, keeping caddies in line, being a role model, eating lots of donuts, whatever. I can do all of that. But I hope I don't have to SELL caddies all the time. I mean sure, there has to be SOME selling involved, otherwise my boss wouldn't have some of the commission / incentive programs he has for Caddie Master's. But you can't sell all the time. Or at least, I can't sell all the time.

But as for tomorrow: I have to be into the hospital by 12:30, my operation is at 1, and by 1:30 I'll be so pumped up on Valium I'll be sleeping on my feet. I get my ride home, sleep for a while, take some more drugs, sleep some more, and then, for the enjoyment of my favorite readers, I will sit at the computer and type. I promise. I don't care what comes out of me, I will type it. No editing, and no stopping until I pass out. I want to tell you guys how the operation went. And then on Thursday, WATCH OUT. I'm going to be INSANE. The thought of being able to see like NORMAL people makes me want to drink a soda after throwing some Pop-Rocks in my mouth. I'm just going NUTS man. "Urban-legend" nuts.

So take care everyone. Tomorrow is a big day.