"The Franchise"

I'm going to be honest with you guys. Today was incredibly boring. I think the most exciting thing about today was that it was raining this morning. Oh yeah: there were some dark clouds and wind and stuff too.

That's about it.

Because of all the rain, tee times were delayed until 10 am. That meant as soon as the clouds parted and the rain stopped around 9:30, people were flying all over the place. Maintenance people were running out onto the course with sub-pumps to start draining water out of the bunkers and collection areas, alcoholics / players inside the clubhouse were chugging the last of their Bloody Mary's to assure themselves ample time to take a piss and stretch-out any remnants of the previous evenings' activities, and my boss was on the phone in the caddie room calling everybody he could think of as he was singing, "I'm fucked, I'mmmmm fuuuuuuuuuccccckkkkked!"

Because despite the rain in the morning, the tee sheet was packed tighter than Chong's bong. I've never seen so many people milling around outside.

Now, I arrived at the course--on time--without the boss having to call me in. I was one of maybe 5-7 caddies who were able to pull that off this morning. So the boss came up with a little sheet called "The Golden Ticket." Every caddie who arrived on time this morning will be receiving priority this weekend.

"All of those weekend warriors can just suffer. You guys were here when I needed you."

What has two thumbs and loves the "Golden Ticket"? THIS GUY.

As for the round, it was really quite boring. I started off carrying two bags, but then on the 6th hole two of the players decided they needed to go. Not sure why. Maybe they needed to drink a few more Bloody Mary's or something. They said they were accountants. Hence, they were just about the most exciting people I've ever encountered. On their best days they looked like the Great Depression on heroin. Whenever they smiled it looked like they were constipated. MAN I wish I was an accountant.

The only semi-cool part of today occurred when I came back into the caddie room after the round was over. Some of the other caddies who were called in to work the afternoon loops were watching TV and for some reason one of them started calling me "The Franchise." And for some reason, it started to stick.

Now I've had a few different nicknames in my lifetime. "Champ" was the most recent, surfacing during my stay in Tahoe. But it wasn't really THAT original. The guys who gave it to me heard me talking about "beer pong" my third day out there and had heard me utter the phrase, "I am the beer pong champion." So of course they HAD to call me "champ."

In college, my housemates called me a variety of names, but the one that they kept falling back on was "Pinto." Now, I'm not going to go into the "why" of that one. But if you've seen "Animal House" you can probably get a good idea. And I SWEAR they're exaggerating a bit. Super-young chicks aren't THAT appealing to me.

And now "The Franchise?" I think that's the first nickname I've ever had where it sounded well thought-out and heartfelt. I mean, that's deep man. You just can't think of something like that every day.

"Tom, I'll make you a deal. When you come in tomorrow, sign up on the board as 'The Franchise' or I'll kill your pets. It's your choice."

Done and done. I mean, I don't even HAVE pets, but I guess you're pretty serious about it. So FINE.

And don't take that last quote too seriously. That guy was cracking everyone up before that comment when one of the other caddies was trying to buy a Subway sub off of another caddie. I'll use numbers so it's easy to distinguish the "who's who" of this story. I'd start erasing pronouns from existence if I didn't.

Caddie 1: "Hey man, can I buy that sub off of you?"

Caddie 2: "How much you gonna give me?"

Caddie 3: "Hey, I'll make you a deal."

Caddie 2: "Yeah?"

Caddie 3: "Give me your sub, or I'll slash your tires."

Pause.

Caddie 2: "Oh yeah?"

Caddie 3: "No, wait. Got a better deal for ya: give me your sub, or I'll kill your parents."

Caddie 2: "Oh yeah?"

Oh man. Actually BEING there would've been the ultimate, I know. But it was hilarious.

So we'll see how long this new nickname holds up. And I guess the day wasn't THAT boring. I mean, I DID get a new nickname. That's always a cool thing.