Friday, April 29, 2005

Am I A Nervous Wreck?

Not too much happened today, which was phenomenal because I'm still recovering from the experience with that little bastard from yesterday. There was a lot of work available this morning, so I didn't have to wait around very long after I walked in. But what really improved my chances was the fact that one of the senior caddies decided to sleep in. And so I was his replacement.

Ever have one of those mornings where regardless of how hard you try, you can't seem to focus on ANYTHING? You squint, you breathe deeply, but it doesn't clear anything up. And to top it all off, there are a shit-load of clouds covering the sky and fog rolling in. Visibility this morning sucked. So great. My one job is to chase around a ball, and there's a good chance I might not even see it today. Awesome.

The deal today was that I would split a foursome with another caddie. We would each carry one bag, and forecaddie for the other two players in the cart. Pretty much a cakewalk compared to yesterday. My player was just teeing off when I got to his bag, so as soon as he starts walking back over towards me, I extend my hand and introduce myself.

He smiles, hands me the driver, and walks over to converse with his buddies before they start heading down the fairway.

He just brushed me off. What a DICK.

So you can appreciate the humor later in the round when I ask the other caddie what this guy's name was and he replies, "Oh, that's Dick."

Obviously his parents thought long and hard about that one: "Umm...Honey? What do you think we should name our bastard son?"

"What about Dick?"

"That's perfect. You see, this is why I married you darling."

And so it came to pass, that 63 years later, a walking penis decides to play golf at this particular club. Guess I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.

As you can probably tell from my tone thus far, I am really out of wack today. I felt bad for the other caddie, who turned out to be invaluable: he was highly astute and very humble. I think he's the best caddie I've worked with yet. He was showing me all of the shortcuts, which is important because there are some holes on this course where it's a sprint to get ahead of the players on the tee to offer up some hand-signals.

For example, the 11th hole at this course is a gorgeous par-3 over water to a small landing area. Many players like to play the hole from the back tees, even if they've been playing the forward tees all day because it is such a beautiful angle. Going up and over to the forward tees (the whites and blues on this particular course) eliminates a good portion of the water and makes the hole less challenging. If a player or players are already having a bad day, however, they would rather take a little of the challenge out than have to hit a 4 or 5-iron over water. And the wind is always swirling on this hole, so you're never really sure what to hit. I was told by one of the members that Johnny Miller once made a comment about the 11th: "This is one of the best par-3's in all the world." Or something like that. Then again, this guy is a member, so of course he's biased. But you get the idea. Great hole.

Where was I? Oh yeah. So on the 10th green, I had already taken my player's putter and was pretty much just standing off to the side of the green twiddling my thumbs waiting for everyone to finish. The other caddie looked at me and whispered something like, "Get the yardage on the next tee."

Now that I think about it, that was a very simple command. Just run over to the blue tees and get the yardage before they get there so they can just grab a club and hit without a lot of debate. But no. For some reason I pull out my scorecard and pin sheet, and figure out the yardage right there without even moving an inch towards the next tee. As I'm about to open my mouth to tell him the yardage that I have, he looks at me and says, "No. I was trying to tell you to go ahead of us and get the yardage over there."

Oh shit. Did you know that I used to be nicknamed "Le Grande Geek" whenever I played cards with my family because I'd space out during play and either beat my own teammate or throw away cards that I needed? Sorry man, I'm a dumbass.

That's just one example, but needless to say, he gave me a few new ideas to try out the next time I get a loop. After watching him, I think I've been carrying golf bags a little bit farther than most caddies there. They all seem to drop them off in convenient places by the next tee. Sure I do that sometimes, but for the most part, I'm going tee-to-green with the bag over my shoulder. Crap. I AM a dumbass. Well, that'll change tomorrow for sure.

On the 18th hole, I was standing with the other caddie watching our players hit their tee-balls when Dick steps up to hit. With a mighty flaccid swing, Dick hits a line drive right at us. I immediately reach down to grab his bag, start blinking uncontrollably (anticipating impact) and turn my head down into my chest as I start to slink away towards the trees. After a moment passes, I pause, stand up, and look around. I look at the other caddie. He hasn't moved and he's looking at me in this confused awe like he just witnessed Stevie Wonder pick up a sniper rifle and hit a target.

"Are you a nervous wreck or something? That ball was nowhere near us dude!"


"I mean yeah, it went over our heads a bit. I guess I just don't move unless I have to."

What a weird day. I must've looked like a jackass. I think the only other thing that happened today worth calling attention to was a comment the other caddie made on the 12th hole.

"I can't believe the boss put both of us on this loop. I could easily handle this by myself."

Well now don't I feel worthless. I mean, I understand that this may not have been the most challenging loop, but it's not like I chose to take some money away from this guy. I'm just working as hard as I can and hoping that I get a little street cred out of this by the end of the summer. I only bring this comment up because it's not the first, second, or even third time that I've heard it. Senior caddies telling me they can't understand why the boss would use me when they have it covered. I'm still not exactly sure how I feel about it.

Well, if it comes to me, I'll post it. But that's it for now. Oh, and one last thing. I was thinking about this today, and I was wondering what the readers had to say about it: a pedometer. Would anyone see some value in the number that thing spits out after every day that I work? Or would that be useless information. Be honest. I don't care either way. I just saw one today at Walmart for like $4. So I figured if they were that cheap, it may be worth it at some point. Anyway, take it easy everyone.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

hey man, love your blog, funny shit.