Sunday, April 03, 2005

These golfers are boring

Never thought I'd say it, but today's round really bored me. Not because I was unmotivated or tired. It was simply because these guys were too good. Good golf actually bored me.

Out of 14 fairways to hit, my player hit 13. Out of 18 greens to hit, he hit 12. He didn't have an awesome swing and he didn't hit the ball very far, but he ended up shooting 79 on a course with a rating over 76. Nothing he did was ever exciting, and he never asked me to read a putt. It was just carry the bag, give a yardage, carry the bag, give him his putter. I think the only excitement came on 18 when she shanked his pitch shot right into the greenside bunker, and then shanked his bunker shot into another greenside bunker. At least then I got to test my speed as a caddie. But other than skanking it on 18, there was nothing to report. How boring.

And we were playing in a five-some. Is it too much to ask that one person out of five hit something extraordinary over the course of 18 holes? I mean sure, they all scored well. One of the members of the fivesome was a young kid who was getting a big scholarship to play college golf. He had never played the course before, and shot 75. But everything was ho-hum. Routine pars and the occasional bogey or birdie. And these guys didn't joke around or even talk to each other very much.

You know, it's times like these that make me wish that I could fart on cue. There were so many opportunities today for comedic moments. I would've had the timing down perfectly too. Just as my player bent over for a putt, I'd rip a fart. And when that fat-ass guy smiled, that would've been a perfect moment to blow out a wet one, leaving a nice stain on my pants. I wonder if there are websites that offer advice on how to control your farts. Man that would be awesome.

But I digress.

What else happened. Well, the wind was a bitch today. The wind dropped the temperature down around 30 degrees, and man, when that wind rips through, your testicles suck in so fast it's like they're moving through a pressurized air tube. I was having trouble talking for a hole or two because I think they stopped near my throat. And yes, of course I wore shorts. And that was stupid. But you kick up all this dirt and mud while you run around, and pretty soon you've ruined your kakis. But yeah, the shorts weren't such a great idea today.

Sorry guys. Hopefully the next post will be a little more eventful. Ciao.


Anonymous said...

I think this is the second post - out of three or so that I've read - that talk about wet farts.

Uhmmm, I won't be back.

Jam Boy said...

I don't think I have a fetish. But to make sure, I decided to read over all of my posts. And out of the collection, there are two posts that talk about--briefly--a wet fart that I either heard or wished that I could have made on cue. I apologize if this offended you. I mentioned in an earler post that I'm making a serious effort to simply write anything that comes to mind, and unfortunately for you, wet farts happened to come into my mind on two brief occasions.

But two things. First off, this site is not about wet farts. I've been trying to make some good observations about caddying in order to give readers a better understanding of what I'm doing with myself during the day. But updating this blog as often as I would like has been difficult. If you were to ask anyone with a Golf blog how hard it is to come up with something worthwhile on a daily basis, they would probably tell you that it's quite a challenge. So please don't let a little wet fart come between us. For all of my efforts, that would be stupid.

Secondly, caddies talk dirty. Although I do not consider myself to be like them, I will not be surprised if some of their traits brush off on me. That wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing. I think a little "caddie-speak" would add some nice flavor to this blog. So if you have a weak heart or sensitive ears, steer clear.

I suppose I should have published some sort of a disclaimer when I started, but I suppose now is as good a time as any.

But I am sorry that I offended you.

Anonymous said...


Ignore that guy. Your blog is one of my absolute favorites, so keep writing freely and unencumbered. I really appreciate your frequent posts and find them all to be insightful, entertaining, and edgy.

Keep 'em coming...