Monday, April 11, 2005

"The Chairman" and Tiger's win

So, the golf world had a big day today: Tiger wins his fourth Masters. I have some thoughts, but before I get to that, let me tell you a little bit about my experience today caddying for "The Chairman."

I call him "The Chairman" because if I were to give away his real name or his real title, I would be giving away where I work and I would eventually run the risk of getting fired. So, for my own interests in keeping this blog alive for the long term, let's just refer to this fat piece of crap as "The Chairman."

I didn't have to wait around very long today before I was assigned a loop. I think it was all because of who I ended up looping for. I don't really think any of the other caddies wanted to take this one. He's fat. He's lazy. He doesn't know how to tell a joke, and he doesn't strike me as a very successful individual. But guess what: he's important anyway. He's "The Chairman."

As I walked up to shake his hand and introduce myself, he looked me up and down and said, "So, have they told you how to do this?"

A sphincter says what?

"I like my caddies to watch my ball from the right side of the fairway."

Oh, of course your holiness. And of course he turns out to be a lefty. I mean, I love Phil and Mike Weir. Don't get me wrong. But unless you're a pro, for some reason I just can't understand why you'd be a lefty. I don't know. But I was frustrated because it definitely screwed up my caddie routine during the round.

Running down the fairway (the right side, of course) with the other caddie to watch their 1st tee-shots, I found out a little bit more about "The Chairman."

"He'll throw his ball to you to clean before he putts, but DON'T throw it back to him. Hand it to him. And he's a douche-bag. It's like it's below him to talk to us. So don't expect a lot of conversation."

Sounds like a real stand-up guy.

But, it was a gorgeous day. How bad could it get?

After he tapped in for par on the first hole, I got to see my first hints of laziness. His putter is constructed in such a way that it actually fits down into the hole, and it has a round opening on the bottom of the putter to fit a ball into. Hence, you simply stick this putter down into the hole, press down onto the ball, and lift the ball out. No bending required. And he was really proud of it.

Personally, I was impressed by his belt. Hang on little guy.

On the 6th hole I made my first mistake. I stood on the wrong side. For a right handed golfer, I'm used to setting the bag down to the player's right for easy club access. For lefty's, naturally, it's the exact opposite. Yeah, definitely messed that up not once, but twice on that hole.

He would simply motion with his hand and say, "no, face ME."

I felt like an idiot. But I suppose he liked that sort of thing. He also liked cheeseburgers. Oh, and he liked talking down to me.

"You see, with a lie like that, I couldn't get behind it enough to make good contact, so a drop is really my best choice. You see?"

Yes sir. And, if I may, how do you like making a 7 on this easy par-5?

And so it went for a while. On the 13th, I was carrying two bags because I was splitting the threesome with another caddie. So he carried two bags for the front nine, and I would carry two for the back nine. On the 13th, the other guy I was caddying for was really laying over the sod. So I got a little behind picking up all the divots. When I finished picking up after Mr. Chunktastic-Old-Fart I had to run to catch up with "The Chairman" to hand him a club for his next shot.

When I finally got near him and gave him the yardage, he paused and just stared at me.

"Son, there isn't a player in this group that you need to run for. Don't run."

I didn't really know what to say. I mean, there were so many things that came to mind: oh, is all this running making you jealous? Are you feeling tired just looking at me? Do you not like to see hard work? Are you opposed to giving me a compliment for my efforts? Yada yada yada.

But instead of saying all that, I simply replied, "okay, sir."

But then I quickly added, "but I need to get my exercise." He grimaced. Obviously he didn't like my attempt at being young and naive. But after that hole the three of them decided to quit early because they wanted to get some food and watch the Masters. So after 14, I was done. And surprisingly, "The Chairman" gave me a decent tip for an 18-hole loop. So maybe he wasn't all bad.

Well no, he really was. But it was a nice gesture. I guess I was really just surprised at how this man could be so successful. He was lazy, condescending to people without a six-figure income, and was obviously trying to justify his role in society to the other two who were playing with him. Let's just say, that if the world ended tomorrow and he survived, he would have no usable skills to help out mankind.

But enough said. On to the Masters.

So Tiger won. You know, I'm not exactly sure why I feel disappointed. Well, I guess first and foremost, it was an ugly win. But he did get some great breaks. And that chip on 16? Wow. I would have never expected that from that lie he had. That was one hell of a shot. I think the roar of the crowd gave that ball the impetus to turn over that one last time. And I know he's a good player. But I'm opposed to him for a few reasons.

First of all, I was at a tournament a while back and I witnessed him slam a club down on the cart path in a moment of anger towards his lie. I suppose many players do this, but at the time it left quite an impression on me. There's no need for that on a golf course. And I'm also a fan of underdogs and close competition. And when Tiger wins tournaments by 5-10 shots, that's not fun to watch. That's like watching an unbalanced Super Bowl. You just spent all that money on pizza and beer and look what it got you: a game that ended with a score of 45-10 (and yes, this last win at the Masters was really close. But this is his fourth green-jacket and he's only 29. He's dominating too much for my taste).

I also hate bandwagons. Tiger took the game by storm. And people who didn't know anything about golf instantly became devoted Tiger fans. Many people did it. I guess if Tiger hangs around for another 10-15 years and continues to mature, I will someday learn to like him. But for now, I'm just worried he'll duck out in a few more years after he's won everything and taken all the records away from these great players who spent their whole lives developing their games and bringing more prestige to the game of golf. So Tiger, keep it up.

So yeah. I'll stop there. Take care everyone.


Anonymous said...

"He'll throw his ball to you to clean before he putts, but DON'T throw it back to him. Hand it to him. And he's a douche-bag. It's like it's below him to talk to us. So don't expect a lot of conversation."

Welcome to your job. Jeezus H. Christ, you're a jackass and a terrible caddy if the comments you've made here are any indication.

Jam Boy said...

Well, if your comment gives me any indications, I would say that you've never caddied before.

Most players enjoy a caddy to throw the ball back to them after you clean their ball. It makes your players feel like tour pros. The fact that this guy didn't want me to do that simply sounded finicky and weird. That's the only reason I mentioned it.

And yes, I would consider myself new to the field of caddying, but I wouldn't consider myself to be terrible. If you hustle and know anything about golf, it's impossible to stink at it.

I also appreciate you calling me a jackass. If you're going to make comments like this one, do not read my blog. Obviously I'm wasting your time, so please skip over my site when you're surfing.

Bryan said...

That entire posting had me chuckling at work.

I have never caddied before, but man, I see those types of stiffs at my club all the time. I am a young guy to, 24, and some of the people out there are just jerks. Granted, our club doesn't have caddies, but the personality of the people match what your referring to.

I have to disagree with you about Tiger though :) but thats personal opinion. I think he is great for the game and great for television, whether he wins for the wire or by 50 shots.

He is exciting to watch.

Jam Boy said...

He definitely is exciting to watch. Seven consecutive birdies. Holy crap. I just hope he hangs around for another 15 years. I'd really like to see what he can accomplish.

mediaguru @ said...

The throwing thing reminds me of a caddie story. I've only had 3-4 caddies. One caddie was looking right at me on the green so I tossed him the ball. He looked away at the precise second I tossed it. He looked back and my ball hit him square in the nose.

mediaguru @

Jam Boy said...

Did the caddie laugh about it? I would've. And it can get hard sometimes. When you're carrying 4,5, or 6 clubs with you and you're holding the flagstick, it gets very interesting when somebody throws you a ball to clean. I think the first time that happened to me I dropped half of the clubs on the green.